


Not all families are perfect

by CannibalDolly



Category: Trailer Park Boys
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Comfort, Confessions, Crying, Cute, Dorks, Family, Fear of Abandonment, Fluff, Hurt and comfort, Love, M/M, References to Depression, Wholesome
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:41:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24840094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CannibalDolly/pseuds/CannibalDolly
Summary: Lucy and Sarah leave the park for a week and leave Ricky and Julian in charge of baby Trinity.Romance gets stronger when the two try to become something close to “a family”.
Relationships: Julian/Ricky (Trailer Park Boys)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 37





	1. Love you no matter what

  
« She’s gone for what?! » Julian asked incredulous as he massaged the bridge of his nose with one hand.

« For a week » Ricky repeated casually « Which is like…how long is a week, ten days? Twelve? ».

« Ricky! A week it’s seven fucking days! Seven! » his tone already fed up with his bullshit, and the conversation wasn’t even nearly over yet.

Ricky shrug with a confused expression, « So what? It’s not that long! ».

Julian sighed and took a long sip of his drink, he was gonna need way more alcohol than that to stand the entire thing without going mad.

Everything was just happening way too suddenly and too fast for him, it was also very early in the morning and he could barely make decisions under that lot of pressure.

Ricky had showed up to his door half an hour ago with baby Trin in his arms and claiming he needed to talk to him of a really important issue and, of course, Julian couldn’t say no to him.

So the two of them sat on the couch and Ricky immediately told him what was going on and why he was up so early in the morning and with his nine months old baby with him.

As it turned out, Lucy had left for a week for some “business” and Sarah came with her for “support” while baby Trin was gonna stay with her dad for a while.

But the main reason Ricky had showed up to his trailer so early was that apparently Lucy had strictly ordered him to ask Julian for help to look after the baby, she probably trusted him more than the actual father of Trin.

« But why the fuck me?! Why not Bubbles or anyone else?! » Julian asked, still incredulous that they were really having that conversation.

« The fuck do i know? She probably trusts you more than me » Ricky commented lowkey jealous as he looked at Trin sleeping in his arms, « She probably thinks you’d be a better father than me ».

Julian rolled his eyes and put one hand on his friend’s shoulder, « Shut the fuck up man, you know it’s not true! » he looked at Trin and then back to his friend, « You’re like…the best father I’ve ever known ».

« Thanks…but apparently Lucy doesn’t see it the same way » he commented with his gaze still focused on his daughter.

Julian sighed again and his grip on his Ricky’s shoulder got tighter, he had work to do and money to make, he surely didn’t had time for that kind of bullshit…but he still couldn’t deny that a deep sense of guilt would have tormented him for ever if he wouldn’t have helped his friend out.

Fuck.

« Ok, you know what? Fuck it, I’ll help ya…but only for these couple of days until Lucy gets back, got that? » he said after a while, « Also because I don’t wanna see Trin sleeping in the backseat of your car ».

Ricky widened his eyes and smiled at him, « Fuck, really? I love you, man » he leaned closer to hug him and Trin almost fell off his arm.

« What the fuck, Ricky! Be careful! » he scolded him.

« S-sorry, sorry ».

***

The next day already felt like hell to both of them.

They decided to move Trin’s crib in the living room and Ricky would have slept on the couch next to it while Julian would have just spend the night in his bedroom as always.

Considering that the bottles of milk that Lucy left had to stay in the refrigerator during the night and had to be boiled before being given to Trin, it was kinda helpful the fact that the kitchen was in the living room as well.

This was gonna be their first day together and Julian was already starting to regret it.

He hated the fact that Lucy always preferred him over Ricky and always wanted him to be part of her own business, he had his own life and he didn’t wanna end up having anything to do with her.

Not now nor in the future.

« Look Trin » Ricky said to the baby he was holding while sitting on the couch in front of a small table; « Can you tell the difference between hash and weed? » he asked her as he pointed out the amount of weed and hash displayed casually on the table.

Trin looked at the ceiling, then at her dad, and then back at the ceiling with a curious look.

« No Trin, look! » Ricky pointed one finger on the table, hoping she would notice it, « Over here! It’s weed! Can you say “weed”? ».

Julian, that had been watching the whole time with one shoulder leaning against the door frame, shook his head slowly. « She can’t answer you, Rick » he interrupted.

Ricky almost jumped from that sudden voice, he quickly turned his head and looked at him in confusion, « Why not? She can totally do it, her voice is just fine! ».

Julian face palmed, « I mean she’s too young, she doesn’t know how to speak yet! ».

Ricky looked at Trin as if something was missing off of her, « Oh…well i can still teach her, right? ».

The younger man grabbed a small piece of hash and handed it to her, « Here Trin, this one is called Hashish, it smells great doesn’t it? ».

Julian rushed to them and quickly grabbed Trin off his arms before she could grab the hash.

« Are you fucking insane?! » he asked while holding Trin still between his arm and his shoulder and his glass with the other hand, « You can’t fucking give her that shit! What if she puts it in her mouth?! ».

« Uhh that’s like the whole point! » the younger man answered as he got up from the couch and walked towards him.

« No Ricky! » he looked at him with an exasperated look, « That’s not what you fucking give to babies! ».

« Oh and since when “the great Julian” is such a big fucking expert on babies, uh? » he asked with a testing tone, « Last time i checked i was the one that had a daughter! ».

Julian rolled his eyes in annoyance before fixing his gaze back on him, « Yes Ricky, I am indeed more expert than you! » he spoke a few inches away from his face, « If you must really know I’m the one that has been taking care and looked after you and Bubbles since you boys were six years old or less! I think i know a thing or two about helping kids to grow up! ».

Ricky had to admit he wasn’t completely wrong after all, no one else has ever sticked around to keep him safe and to look after him for this long before, not even Rey.

« Doesn’t mean shit, i became a father and i got responsibles now! ».

« Ya mean “responsibilities” » Julian corrected him.

« Whatever the fuck that is! » Ricky responded in annoyance, he then lifted both hands in front of him, « Now gimme Trinity back, her and daddy can perfectly take care of themselves without Julian! ».

Julian, that in the mean time still had the baby in his arms, looked at Ricky with a fed up look.

« You know what, Rick? » he said harshly « You’re just like her! You’re a fucking childish kid! You’re so immature and ignorant that you can’t even appreciate when someone is actually offering you help! The only difference between you and Trinity is the fact that at least she’s an actual baby…you’re a fucking grown ass adult, Rick! ».

A deep silence followed in the room after those last words.

Both men looked straight at each other for a second, then Julian quickly looked away as he tried his best to hide the remorse.

Ricky stood there in silence and nodded slowly, then carefully grabbed Trinity off his arms.

« I’m taking the kid » he commented as he turned his back on him and walked towards the door, « And for the record…we don’t need you, we can make it just fine without you! ».

He then slammed the door behind him, leaving Julian alone in his trailer with his own thoughts.

« Fuck » he whispered as he banged the back of his head against the thin wall behind him.

He thought for a while about all the things that he didn’t truly mean but he still had said to him, and soon just wished he could have taken everything back.

***

It was already night when Julian left his trailer to go find his best friend.

He wanted to wait for a while before starting to look for him, things needed to cool down a bit before they could have gone back on talking to each other like always.

He went to Bubbles first to ask if he happened to see him around, no chance, his friend had been busy in his shed the whole day.

« I can help you look for him if you want » the smaller man offered as he got on top of his small go-kart, « I’ll look on the right side, you go left ».

« Good idea, Bubs » Julian said as he started walking down the street on the opposite way,

« I’ll let you know if i found him ».

Julian walked a few miles alone in the dark, constantly looking around hoping he would soon find his friend and hopefully manage to bring him back home.

Lucky for him, not too far after Donnie’s trailer, Ricky had decided to stop and park his car in the shadow.

He was sitting on the roof of the car with his legs crossed, a cigarette in his hand and Trinity in his arms.

« Oh…look who fucking showed up, Trin » he commented as he noticed his friend from afar slowly walking up to him, « Mister “I’m a better fucking parent than you’ll ever be”, that’s who it fucking is! ».

Julian sighed as he finally got close enough to face him, he then stood there and thought for a while before talking…that strangely seemed harder than he had imagined.

« Look man..…I’m sorry » he lifted his gaze and looked at his firend’s blue eyes shining in the dark, « I know i said some stupid shit back there and i fucked up…but i wanna make things better ».

Ricky rolled his eyes and stayed silent as he brought the cigarette back to his mouth, slowly letting the smoke out of his nose.

Julian had a worried look on his face because the baby was probably inhaling it too but that wasn’t the point, « Look…I know you probably think I’m an asshole right now-…».

« Yeah no shit! » the other commented as he looked away to avoid any eye contact with his friend.

Julian breathed heavily, that was probably gonna be the hardest apology he has ever had to do in his entire life.

It was almost midnight, the lights coming from the other trailers around them were starting to turn off and soon the darkness started to surround the two of them.

And as if the darkness wasn’t enough it was also starting to get really cold, it wasn’t just any other fresh midnight breeze.

« Rick, look at me » the older man said with a firm tone.

Ricky kept his gaze focused on the ground, not wanting to look anywhere else for any reason.

« I said look at me » the other repeated, this time slower.

Ricky slowly lifted his gaze and looked at his best friend, his eyes were glassy and his features clear under the moonlight and Julian felt something burning in his chest as he looked at him.

« The stuff i said before…» he went on as he tried to hide the fact that he was undeniably staring speechless, «…You know i didn’t mean any of it…please forgive me, Rick…please, just come back home with me ».

Ricky looked down at Trinity peacefully sleeping in his arms and smiled bitterly,

« Tsk…ok, i fucking forgive you, Jules; i always end up forgiving you anyways….» he commented, « It’s just that…I’m always afraid that one day Trinity might grow up looking up to you instead of her own father…».

Julian stood silent and furrowed his brows as the other continued.

« I mean fuck! Literally everyone here admires you man, even me…you’re like…so cool and amazing…» Ricky went on, « Point is…I still have a shit ton of stuff to learn about what being a parent means…and i wouldn’t be surprised if Trinity’d rather have you as a father than me ».

Julian immediately stopped him by putting one hand on his shoulder, « What the fuck are you even talking about, man? » he replied in confusion, « Rick, you may not be the best and safest dad in the world…but like…I’ve never met anyone that cared so much about their own child to actually put that much effort into being a better parent before ».

Ricky looked at Trinity again, peacefully sleeping even though the cold night air, then back at Julian.

« Y-you really think? » he asked a bit insecure.

Julian smiled, « Tsk of course, man! You still have a few things to learn, that’s for sure, but i promise you’re gonna be an amazing dad…and Trinity is always gonna love ya, no matter what ».

Ricky looked at him with a faithful look, « Ya promise? » he asked just like a kid.

Julian smiled again at the question, « I promise ».

« Ah fuck! Right on, man! » his friend finally smiled, reassured and confident again like always.

« Now come down from that car roof and let’s go back to my place, I’m fucking freezing out here » Julian commented before lending him one hand to help his friend coming down from the roof without dropping the baby.

Once they were both on the ground the older man was just about to enter the car when Ricky unexpectedly pulled him into a quick hug, sliding one arm behind his neck and holding Trinity with the other.

« Thank you » he said almost in a whisper.

Julian froze for a moment, feeling the warmth of that contact filling his chest with a weird and yet loving sensation, « Hey, any time bud » he said with a quick pat on his friend shoulder.

***

Julian drove the car on their way back home while Ricky was sitting next to him, still carefully holding Trinity in his arms.

When they finally managed to reach the trailer and got out of the vehicle they both found Bubbles waiting for them in front of his shed with a flashlight in his hand and a hockey stick in the other.

« Oh my fucking Jesus! » he screamed as they came out of the car and walked towards him, « There you are! I thought you were both fucking dead! I was this fucking close to call the fucking cops! » he said all preoccupied.

« Fucking cops?! Seriously Bubs? We don’t need that shit, man! We were just-…» Julian was just about to explain the whole situation to Bubbles when Ricky suddenly interrupted him.

« You guys, shut the fuck up! Both of you! » he whispered angrily, « Trinity just fell asleep! You idiots wanna wake her up or something?! ».

Julian sighed with patience, « Right right…sorry Rick » he whispered.

« Ya got the keys, go open the door so i can take her to bed » Ricky whispered back.

Bubbles watched the whole scene with a shit-eating grin on his face.

« Look at you » he laughed at them, « Y’all acting like an old married couple eheheh ».

« Shut the fuck up, Bubs » Julian said before opening the door and moving aside to kindly let Ricky enter the trailer first.

Bubbles looked at them and almost choked while trying not to burst out laughing.

« You tell anyone about this and i’ll sue you » Julian pointed one finger at him and swore with a serious tone before closing the door of the trailer behind him.

« Sure sure…» Bubbles smiled, « totally ».


	2. Sleep with me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At this point these two daddies find out that sleeping with a baby is literally IMPOSSIBLE, they end up taking turns on holding Trin that keeps on waking up in the middle of the night for no fucking reason

Only a day had passed and Julian and Ricky already wished they were both dead.

Apparently both of them didn’t exactly know what spending a night with a newborn felt like, and since they didn’t had any other choice but to stick together, they sadly had to find out.

Trinity literally couldn’t sleep for more than ten minutes during night time, a total nightmare.

In the beginning she would calm down and close her eyes for a few minutes, peacefully resting, and then she would quickly wake up in the middle of the night and randomly start screaming or crying uncontrollably, apparently for no fucking reason.

And since the baby slept in the crib next to Ricky’s sofa in the living room, and the poor man couldn’t take care of her all night by himself, both of them decided to move the crib in the bedroom and stay all night next to her to do turns if she ever decided to wake up again.

Ricky stood near the crib and looked at his daughter sleeping, making sure she didn’t need anything else.

« So? » Julian asked tiredly while laying on his bed with his eyes focused on the ceiling, « Is she asleep yet? ».

« I think she fucking is » Ricky whispered with a slightly triumphant tone in his voice, he slowly walked towards the bed and dropped tiredly on top of it, a few inches next to Julian.

« Good, we have like…ten minutes to fucking sleep » the older man said while rubbing his face with one hand, he soon realized that Ricky wasn’t even listening to him anymore, he was already snoring with his face pressed against his shoulder.

That fucking bed was definitely too tiny for both of them, he had already told him multiple times, whenever they’d lay on it they always ended up fucking squeezed against each other, and still no way to change his friend’s mind about sleeping on the same bed.

Julian was about to tell him to move a little further from him, to make a little space so they wouldn’t have to wake up the next morning one spooning the other…but he was too tired to even argue, he rolled to the opposite side and fell asleep.

They slept quietly next to each other, enjoying those sweet comfortable sheets, both not even remembering when was the last time they had slept like that.

And not even a few hours had passed that suddenly Trinity woke up and started crying all over again, typical.

« Ricky » Julian muttered inaudibly, « Go calm her down ».

Ricky growled in annoyance, « Fuck off, it’s your turn with the baby ».

Julian rolled to the other side to face him, suddenly remembering how fucking close they were to each other, « It’s your daughter, you go calm her down! ».

Ricky slowly opened his eyes and looked at him, « Julian » his voice low and tired, « It’s your fucking turn now…so you fucking go » he then slowly poked his arm.

Julian rolled his eyes and let out an annoyed groan, « Ok ok, Jesus fucking Christ ».

He slowly got up from the bed and walked towards the crib, carefully leaning down and grabbing the baby in his arms.

He wasn’t a father and he surely never planned on becoming one, business and money were the only things he was truly able to think of, that’s why holding her in his arms felt strangely unusual but good at the same time, as if she was slowly becoming an important part of his life but also a new nice responsibility that kept him busy and distracted from the work.

He didn’t like the fact that he had to wake up every five minutes in the middle of the night just to hold her or to feed her…but he low key enjoyed holding her, it felt warm, familiar…he was definitely getting attached and he hated it.

In the mean time Ricky slowly lifted his head and looked at his best friend from across the room gently holding Trinity in his arms and a weird warm feeling burned in his chest at that sight.

Julian turned around and caught him staring with a smug grin, « Why are you looking at me like that? » he asked confused.

« You enjoy being a dad as much as i do » Ricky smiled, « Admit it ».

Julian’s face grew red from the embarrassment, « What the fuck are you talking about? ».

« I mean look at you » Ricky giggled sleepily, « Acting all soft and cutesy while holding her…you actually love this, don’t you, Julian? ».

Julian came closer to the bed just enough to grab a pillow with one hand to then throw it in his friend’s face, making him fall back on the bed.

« Shut the fuck up » he then replied, « I just…I just really like holding her…that’s all! ».

Ricky slowly removed the pillow from his face and looked at the other man with a stupid grin again, he didn’t quite understand why his friend felt all that shame on admitting he liked being a dad, who wouldn’t?

Being a dad, or a parent in general, was awesome! Unlike Lucy, Ricky actually loved every aspect of being a parent, he wasn’t really the best at it but he still tried his best every time.

« You look cute with her in your arms » Ricky observed casually.

Julian looked at Trinity slowly falling back to sleep and then back at him, « Cute? ».

« Yeah! I bet you’d make a great dad, Jules…» he continued with a yawn, « Probably even better than me, i mean, it’d really fit you. Ya got the badass tough look, the sense of responsibility, the actual knowledge of how to take care of a kid…you’d be amazing ».

Julian blushed and looked around the room to avoid eye contact, casually coughing to break that embarrassing silence that followed.

« Nah » the older man continued after a while, sitting on the edge of the bed next to Ricky while still holding Trinity, « I probably wouldn’t…I’d be too busy and focused on working on simple ways to make money instead of actually finding time to give attention to a kid ».

Ricky lazily got up from his lazy sleeping position, sitting on the edge of the bed too, glaring at his daughter quietly sleeping in his friend’s arms and thinking how adorable they both looked.

« So ya never wanted kids before? Not even thought about it? » he asked calmly.

« I mean…I did think about it a few times…I just realized that i’m not that kind of man, I’d probably fuck everything up and end up being a terrible parent anyways ».

Ricky looked at him with an intrigued expression, « Well…you seem pretty good at it tho ».

« You’re right » The other man replied with an half smile and eyes lost in thoughts, « It’s probably because she’s yours, otherwise i wouldn’t have even agreed on helping you taking care of her in the first place ».

Ricky yawned again and leaned a little closer to his friend, his eyes slowly closing a few times before he’d suddenly snap awake while trying his best not to fall asleep again.

« You know…» Julian commented with his eyes fixed on the baby, « She reminds me so much of you…she has your same eyes, your hair…she kinda looks like you even when she sleeps » he smiled softly, « She’s really adorable ».

Ricky blushed strongly and rubbed his eyes a few times, he couldn’t even tell if he was awake or dreaming, he decided to change argument to avoid another awkward silence.

« What about marriage? » the younger man asked, « Ya ever thought about getting married? ».

« Tsk, even worse » Julian smiled, « That would be the end of me. Even more responsibilities, more rules, more things to do…being married is just a huge pain in the ass…and finding someone you’d spend the rest of your days with it’s not even easy anyways, so…».

Ricky widened his eyes, « Ya kidding? Finding someone to marry would be so fucking easy for you, you’d be a great husband! Yer literally so skilled and smart and beautiful and-…» he said casually before suddenly shutting his mouth and turning quiet.

Fuck. He talked too much, like fucking always.

He closed his eyes with a sour expression of regret, already expecting the worst reply ever from his best friend…

But strangely that “furious” reply never came, his response turned out unexpectedly soft instead.

« You really think that? » he asked flattered.

« T-think w-what? » he replied nervously, hoping his friend misunderstood the first time.

« What you just said, man…I mean…Ya think I’m beautiful? » he laughed jokingly.

Ricky felt his face quickly heating up with embarrassment, he looked away and cleared his throat a few times, « Y-yeah…I mean…t-there’s nothing wrong in finding my best friend beautiful…I mean, y-y’know…i always look at other men and think “damn, they’re beautiful!” it’s normal! » he babbled incoherently.

Julian just smiled as a response, « Yeah yeah i got it, chill out ».

A small silence followed afterwards, Julian just caressed Trin’s forehead with his fingers, gently moving away her blonde hair from her face with an idiotic love struck smile printed on his face the whole time.

Ricky watched the whole scene in front of him with a sleepy and yet adoring stare, his elbow pressing on his knee while holding his face with one hand so he wouldn’t fall asleep and drop on the floor.

« Yes…» he then whispered absently while slowly closing his eyes, « You’d be a wonderful husband, Julian ».

Julian turned around to face him and he was just about to reply when he soon realized his friend was already sleeping, his head pressed on one side on his palm and his expression so peaceful and angelic while asleep.

« Mhhn…yes…» Ricky muttered, « Julian Lafleur…that sounds so wonderful ».

Julian smiled and gripped Ricky’s shoulder with one hand, gently shaking him, « Rick! Wake up! » he whispered, « Yer sleep-talking, man! ».

The other man quickly opened his eyes and jumped back to his straight sitting position on the edge of the bed, his expression full of fear and his voice loud as always, « Jesus fuck I’m awake! Ya fucking scared me! What the fuck happened? What did I-…».

« Rick! Shut the fuck up! » the other quickly interrupted him, reminding Ricky that baby Trinity was still sleeping in his arms and that it was literally a miracle that she hadn’t woke up yet, even after all the noise they were making.

« Fuck…» Ricky whispered, suddenly quieter, as he realized that the baby was still asleep, « Shit…I’m sorry, Jules…I’m just…so fucking tired, what time is it? » he asked while rubbing his eyes again.

Julian checked his watch, « Four in the morning ».

His friend widened his eyes with an incredulous expression, « Ya gotta be fucking kidding me ».

Julian looked at the window and saw the first delicate lights of the morning rising from far away and slowly brightening up the room from the darkness « Check it out » he commented.

Ricky turned his face and looked at that beautiful dawn too, « When was the last time we stayed awake all night and saw the dawn together, Jules? » he asked.

Julian kept his eyes on that glorious sun gently rising and turning the sky clearer, « I don’t know…we must have been sixteen or something ».

Ricky smiled, Jesus Christ, it feels so weird once you realize you spent your entire life with one person, you basically have known them since they were three and now you literally live together as a “family”.

Life was weird, a concept he would have never understood fully.

« Jules » he whispered to not wake up the baby.

His friend turned to his side to face him again, the weak lights of the morning coming from the window gently brightened his features, making his face seem paler and strangely more beautiful in the darkness of the room.

The silence of the night and that sweet secure darkness made the atmosphere suddenly feel more secret and intimate.

Ricky observed him just for a second before he slowly leaned closer and pressed his lips on Julian’s into a soft and insecure kiss.

He expected the worst reaction ever, getting pushed off the bed or something even worse…

But Julian didn’t do any of that, with Trinity still being held with one arm, he slowly lifted the other and gently cupped the side of his friend’s face with his palm as he returned the kiss and gave into that sweet sensation.

The two of them just stood there in the darkness, softly kissing, timidity getting closer and closer to each other until…

Ricky suddenly pulled away, his eyes were wide and his breath was shaky.

« I fucked up » he said with a tone full of panic, « God…I’m so sorry…I-I fucked everything up…like always ».

He quickly got up from the bed on shaky legs and carefully took Trinity off Julian’s arms, « I’m sorry…I-I’m leaving right now ».

The younger man was just about to head out when Julian quickly grabbed his wrist, stopping him from walking away.

« Where the fuck d’you think you’re going? » he asked surprised.

Ricky turned around and looked at him with a concerned expression, « Didn’t you realize what just fucking happened? ».

« Yes, you…you kissed me » he replied, not really shocked or weirded out.

« And I fucked everything up! » his friend continued, « And I’m sorry, I should have just kept everything for myself and resist, should’ve stayed quiet and calm. Now i just ended up fucking everything up like I always fucking do…and I’m sorry ».

Julian quickly grabbed his chin with his hand, lifting his head up so he could look at him in the eyes, « Rick, stop talking bullshit! You literally did nothing wrong! This happened so many times over the years and there’s literally nothing wrong with it, it’s okay! ».

« You’re…you’re not mad? » the other asked insecure.

« Why the fuck would I even be mad? » the other smiled, trying to reassure him, « It’s okay, everything it’s okay, man…you just follow your instincts and do what your emotions tell you, nothing wrong with that…and that’s what I fucking love about you ».

Ricky blushed, « Oh fuck…thank god…I mean…okay then, if you’re…if you’re not mad or anything, then okay…good » he half smiled, thanking god their relationship didn’t get fucked or anything.

They had kissed so many times through the years, so many times they held each other and declared their feelings when they were too stoned or drunk…but this time, sober and even with a child…it felt completely different. It felt mature, serious.

« Well then » Ricky cleared his throat, « I’ll go sleep on the couch with Trin i guess…I don’t wanna-…».

« Sleep with me » the other interrupted him.

« Pardon, what?! » his friend choked out, a shocked expression on his reddened face.

« Ya heard me » Julian smiled gently, he then walked towards the bed and sat on his side of the mattress, « Sleep with me ».

Ricky felt his face burning up, he slowly walked to the bed and sat on the opposite side, still holding sleeping Trinity in his arms.

« Y-you’ll let me sleep with you? For real? » he asked with an incredulous giggle.

Julian smiled back, « Of course, man…as long as Trin doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night to cry again ».

« Nah, she sleeps nicely if you hold her » the other replied.

The older man relaxed with his back on the mattress and pulled up the covers, pushing his head on that pillow seemed almost like a miracle…after all those nights without sleep due to Trinity.

Ricky did the same and he gently put the baby in the middle of the bed between them, staying with one elbow pressed on the mattress so he could make space and observe his daughter sleeping, Julian looked at her too with a pure smile before looking back at Ricky.

« Fucking look at us » Ricky laughed happily, « We look like a fucking family here ».

Julian rolled his eyes in embarrassment and giggled, « C’mon now man, let’s not push this…we’re just two grown men that had known each other for a life time and that now take care of their baby together and sleep in the same bed and share the same car and live under the same roof…no big deal ».

They looked at each other for a straight second with idiotic smiles on their faces, both trying their best not to burst out laughing, they just couldn’t afford to wake up Trinity again, it would have been a total nightmare to get her back to sleep.

« Jokes aside…» Ricky slowly turned more concrete, his eyes admiring the other man’s pretty dark curls spread on the pillow as he spoke, « I’m sorry for before…y’know…I mean the whole kiss thing and all that…I didn’t mean to scare you or anything, I just-…».

« Rick, i don’t wanna hear you apologize for a thing like this ever again » the other immediately stopped him, « You didn’t upset me or anything….it’s normal! I mean…it felt really…nice actually ».

Ricky blushed and furrowed his brows, « R-really? Y-ya think? ».

« Sure! I mean…we did it so many fucking times in the past and…it feels familiar, like a sort of “reassuring” familiar kinda thing, y’know? » he said with a low tone, probably getting sleepy by whispering while laying cozily under the covers.

Rick blushed even harder and nervously looked around the room a few times before his eyes got back to his friend, « Would you…would you mind if we…we tried again? I mean…you’re not forced to say yes! It’s completely fine if you’re-…..».

« Sure » Julian whispered, his shiny half lidded gaze fixed on him and a few dark curls covering his right eye, his expression so relaxed and beautiful it made Ricky melt,

« C’mere ».

Rick felt a shiver down his spine, why was he suddenly getting all nervous and heated up? It was just an innocent goodnight kiss…with the man he probably fell in love with, no big deal…right?

The younger man paid extreme attention not to touch or wake up Trin that was still laying between them, he slowly leaned closer to his best friend, his face so fucking red from the embarrassment.

He shily closed his eyes and pressed his lips on Julian’s into a second soft and extremely warm kiss.

They stood there for a moment, relaxed, enjoying every second of it.

Everything felt so fucking comfortable and nice, laying in bed next to his daughter and kissing the only guy he loved like a normal “every night” act.

It gave him a warm reassuring sensation of having the “perfect family” that he sadly never had before, everything felt right and in place.

When they pulled apart after a while Ricky got lost in his blue gaze and almost breathed out an “i love you”, but something inside his chest made him feel too insecure for that sort of declaration…he didn’t feel ready yet.

« How was that? » Julian asked in a soft sleepy whisper.

« Fuck….best fucking goodnight kiss ever…» he smiled while trying to repress his feelings and not letting out his true thoughts.

« You felt so fucking warm, man » Julian commented while rubbing his eyes tiredly, « Your lips literally felt like fire…ya sure you don’t have a fever or something? » he smiled.

« I-I’m fine! » the other hoped his heated up face wouldn’t be too noticeable, « Also…you kinda taste like syrup…» he observed with a giggle, licking his lips without showing it.

Bubble’s pancakes, that was for sure…so he probably liked sweet stuff, Ricky wondered what kind of thing he would have preferred to eat for breakfast, he wanted to make it for him. He strangely felt the need to make breakfast for someone to show how much he cared.

« Ok, can we please sleep now? » Julian then asked tiredly while finally closing his eyes and resting with his face on the pillow, « I’m so fucking tired, man ».

« Yeah…me too » Ricky replied sleepily before going back on laying with his head flat on the pillow, « Anyways…just so you know…uhm…I really liked it, Jules…I mean, it felt really amazing » his heart beating so fucking fast in his chest as he spoke.

« Yes Ricky, i really liked it too…now if you could please behave and stay quiet for a while so i can sleep then i promise i’ll give you another one tomorrow morning, ok? ».

« Deal » the younger man smiled before closing his eyes, « ‘night Jules ».

« Good night, Rick » the other replied with a muffled whisper.

Little did they know that they would end up waking up again a few more times that night due to Trin constantly crying for no fucking reason all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of this is so adorable imma cry


	3. Alone and afraid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a night of sleep-deprived irrational confessions and even an accidental kiss, Julian starts regretting everything that has happened and (out of fear) he decides to leave the morning after without telling anyone.  
> This will lead to a lot of difficult confessions out of desperation and fear of abandonment between the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter felt like rewriting the whole goddamn fucking bible, it literally took ages but now it’s fucking here n I'm satisfied :,)  
> This chapter contains A LOT of mentions of depression, sad confessions and angst...the perfect mix to bust crying

The morning after felt like a distant and unreachable ending line, the whole night kinda turned out to be a complete hell and all that Rick wished for was the light of the day to hit the room from the window.

When the first strong lights of the day finally got too bright for literally anyone to keep their eyes closed….Trin woke up.

Ricky was still completely sprawled on the bed, covering the whole mattress in the weirdest position ever, his legs on the side of the pillows and his head almost falling from the edge of the bed.

He was still dreaming when he suddenly jumped awake as he heard Trin crying from the crib next to the bed.

How in the fuck did she even end up in there? He completely forgot what happened during the whole night, they must have moved her a couple of times whenever she would cry or make noise…he assumed.

« Yes yes, papa’s comin’ » he murmured as he lazily rolled of the bed, falling and hitting the ground like an idiot before quickly getting up again to reach the crib.

« Hello there, big girl » he smiled with a stupid love stuck voice as he looked at her, gently reaching with both hands to grab her, « Mornin’ gorgeous ».

He lifted her up between his arms and kissed her forehead, the baby suddenly turning quiet and relaxed as soon as her dad held her, « Let’s go eat, yeah? » he said while petting her thin blonde hair, « I’m fucking starving too…should probably go get some bacon and shit…».

The stoner spent a few more seconds lovingly looking at his daughter before turning around towards the bed, « Julian, do ya also wa-….».

His words left his mouth as he realized the bed was empty, « Jules? » he furrowed his brows and looked around the room in confusion. Empty.

Ricky stood silent for a moment, trying his best to understand the situation.

Didn’t Julian sleep in the same bed with him? Did he mention he was gonna wake up early or something?

« Julian? » he called again as he walked outside the bedroom, entering the living room and hoping to somehow hear his response coming from there.

Nothing.

He looked around speechless, the trailer was silent and quiet as it’s never been before.

« What in the fuck….» Rick whispered to himself, he quickly reached the window and looked right outside…Julian’s car was also missing.

At first Ricky assumed that the other man must have woken up early to go buy more rum since he probably must have finished it….but the sudden realization of the presence of his wallet left on the couch made him nervous.

Trinity perceived a distant and tensed vibe from her dad, so she started squirming in his arms as she whimpered.

« Shhhh it’s okay, Trin » Rick said, clearly panicking himself as he walked towards the door, « We’re gonna find him, I’m sure he just went to the liquor store or something…I guess ».

He almost broke the door as he slammed it open with a kick, rushing down the stairs and walking towards Bubbles’ shed.

« Bubs! » he called while knocking nervously at his door, « Bubs, please! Come the fuck out I need to talk to ya! ».

Bubbles soon came to the door, half asleep and still wearing his pajama.

The man rubbed his eyes and put his glasses back on, « Ricky, for Christ’s sake, do you even know what time is-….».

« Where’s Julian? » the other interrupted him quick, his tone of voice so strangely serious it made his friend concerned.

« The fuck do I know? » the other responded a little upset, « He probably went somewhere to buy some food or liquor or something! ».

« He left the cash at home, for fuck’s sake! » Ricky snapped back just as upset as his friend was, almost making Trinity cry.

« Ricky calm the fuck down! » Bubbles pointed at Trinity, « Fucking stop! Yer almost making her cry! ».

Rick suddenly turned quiet, changing his expression with a pinch of embarrassment as he cleared his throat, « I’m-… I’m sorry…sorry Bubs » he sighed while nervously scratching the back of his head, « I just…I don’t understand ».

Bubbles slowly put one hand on his shoulder, « Did you guys had a fight yesterday? Did you…say something that might have offended him maybe? ».

Rick thought about it, that was the problem, they did the complete opposite of fighting.

He didn’t really remember every detail clearly but he sure as hell remembered kissing him and maybe falling asleep with him…but apart from that well, nothing else.

He bit his lower lip as the thought of him fucking up their friendship with that stupid kiss last night invaded his mind.

He knew it, he fucking knew he shouldn’t have done that. He should have just stood in his place and pretend nothing was going on with him.

It was such a difficult thing for him to hide his feelings, no matter if it was love, hate, sadness, fear…

« I’ll go find him » he declared out of nowhere.

Bubbles widened his eyes in disbelief, « Ricky are you fucking insane? It’s fucking nine in the morning, you clearly haven’t slept at all ‘cause you look terrible, I can see that! » he said while pointing directly at his face, « And I bet Trinity hasn’t even fucking eaten yet! ».

« Fuck! I forgot! » Rick cursed to himself, he turned around and walked back to the trailer, « Gimme a couple of minutes! » he said before slamming the door behind him.

Almost half an hour had passed when Ricky finally managed to get his car and to drive around the park to find Julian.

He fed Trinity, changed her and made sure her hair was fixed before he would walk up to Bubbles again to ask him if he could watch her for a few minutes.

“Bubs, I love you but I swear to JesusGod I’ll fucking murder you if anything happens to Trin, got that?” He said to his friend before carefully handing him the baby.

It’s been hard to convince the other man at first, he had a terrible relationship with kids, he basically hated the little cocksuckers because as he said: “They’re not cute and nice like kitties”.

“Fucking stupid, who the hell doesn’t like kids?” Thought Ricky while turning on the car, “ya gotta be a complete dick not to like ‘em”.

Bubbles promised he would let him know as soon as possible if he heard or saw Julian anywhere before he would drive away.

Ricky nervously kept his eyes on the road as his hand traveled blindly on the passenger’s seat to desperately find a pack of cigarettes between all that garbage that surrounded him.

Empty beer bottles, pizza boxes and even a small soda can turned into a cheap bong with still old water in it.

He threw everything out of the passenger’s missing door and cursed a couple of times before miraculously finding a pack.

Stress was eating him alive the whole time he kept driving, his heart exploding each time he looked at the corner of the street, hoping to find him.

“You fucked up everything ya fucking dickhead” he thought to himself as he lit up a cig, greedily taking a long drag from it.

He felt guilty of everything; guilty for his daughter to grow with such a fucked up dad, guilty for ruining his friendship with Julian, even guilty for Bubbles to always having to deal with his bullshit.

He was planning on apologizing for whatever happened between him and Julian, even though the night before he already did a lot of times he still thought it wasn’t ok between them.

Nothing was fucking ok. Julian clearly hated him, he probably lied to him the whole time to then take his shit and leave for a day or more…

“What if he’s gonna tell Lucy?” His mind begun to race, making him more and more anxious, “What if Lucy finds out about the whole thing and decides to take Trin away from me for ever?”.

The stoner reached the last street of the park and cursed as he accidentally burned his fingers, not realizing that he smoked so quickly and frenetically that a burned cigarette butt was all that remained between his fingers.

He threw it away before putting his arms crossed on top of the car wheel and resting his head between them.

He didn’t know what else to do, he reached the end of the road but no sign of him.

The last place he thought of was…the lake.

The fucking lake, how come he didn’t think of it before?

Could have been there, since it was basically the place that always went when they felt like shit…

That one or the back of The King of Donhair.

The lake was his only hope left.

A couple of hours had already passed since he left home and Rick started wondering if the lie he kept saying to himself about him just going to the liquor store was even barely believable anymore.

The shit mobile bounced a bunch of times on the long road covered in plants and rocks, making all the garbage Ricky kept collecting on the passenger seat fall down.

He kept going for a few more miles between the woods, remembering all the times he had been there to get high with the boys when they were younger and even one time when he helped Bubs pulling a functioning shopping cart out of the water.

He was just about to calm down and forget the whole thing when he suddenly saw Julian’s car parked behind some bushes not too far away from him.

He silently gasped and immediately turned off the car, panicking in the act of getting out of the vehicle.

He tried his best to come closer without making a sound, silently walking on the grass to reach the car without tripping or stepping on a twig.

Only once he came close enough he realized the car was empty, completely untouched.

He looked around in confusion and only then, unexpectedly, he saw the figure of his best friend sitting on a rock in front of the lake.

He gulped, thinking of the best way to approach the other man.

He didn’t even know what he actually wanted to tell him, was he supposed to actually apologize again like he said he would or maybe use a harsher approach and scold him?

He slowly walked behind him, preparing mentally and physically to talk to him.

He was just about to reach to him and put a hand on his shoulder when suddenly, only god knows how, he tripped over a stupid rock and lost balance…

And before he could even realize what was actually happening he straight up fell forward and rolled down into the lake with a noisy splash, painfully hitting the surface of the water in a matter of seconds, fucking up everything.

Fucking great.

He cursed loudly as he quickly emerged out of the water for oxygen, immediately getting up and failing a few times to stand as the ground beneath him was full of slippery plants and mud. A lot of disgusting lake mud.

He cursed again and again, hating himself for being so fucking clumsy and the lake for being so fucking slippery and gross.

Only then, after that complete dick figure, Ricky turned around realizing Julian had been watching the whole time.

The man stood up near the edge of the lake, his expression a mix of confusion and preoccupation.

« Rick?! What in the fuck are you doing here?! » he asked as he reached out with one hand to help him come out of the water.

Ricky slapped his hand away, looking straight at him and pretending he didn’t just make the worst and most embarrassing entrance ever, « I’m the one that should fucking ask you that, Julian! ».

The other man withdrew back a little, suddenly looking uncomfortable.

He took a few steps back as Ricky slowly came out of the water, still dripping and dirty from the hips down, his beautiful pants completely ruined.

« How did you even-…» Julian said more to himself than to his friend, « I mean…how did you find m-…».

« What kind of game are ya playin’, Julian? uh? » Rick asked while squeezing the water off his shirt, « ‘Cause I’d really like to understand what’s going on right now! Care to explain, buddy? ».

His tone was completely different, harsh, unfitting…and yet it sounded so strangely intimidating.

Julian bit his lower lip and nervously sipped from his glass, « S’none of yer business, Rick » he said cold before turning his back on him to walk back to his rock.

Rick was fast enough to grab him by the wrist to stop him from getting away, « Oh fuck nah, yer not fucking walking away on me, Julian! » he exclaimed, « I want you to fucking explain what these past few days have been on about ‘cause I think we’re not on the same “shortage” here! ».

Julian looked at him in the eyes and felt a rush of blood through his whole body, « Don’t you fucking touch me! » he snapped back as he harshly pulled his wrist free from his tight grip.

He quickly walked away again, this time deciding to get to his car instead.

« Oh so now it’s all “don’t touch me, don’t talk to me”, is it? » Rick’s tone grew a little louder, « How ‘bout yesterday then? Uh? Was it all just a fucking act or something?! Is pretending to care the only fucking thing yer good at?! Fucking tell me! ».

Julian stopped walking and turned around to face him, « Forget about yesterday, Rick! » he screamed, « Yesterday never fucking happened, alright?! Now go the fuck home, your daughter needs ya! ».

Rick furrowed his brows and felt his face and body burning up like fire as he watched the other man walking away like a fucking coward.

He didn’t understand, everything was happening so fast and out of nowhere he could barely keep up with all those emotions.

« She doesn’t just fucking need me, Julian! She fucking needs **us**! » he shouted suddenly, « She needs both of us, for fuck’s sake! You’re the one who promised to help me! You’re the one that fucking swore to Lucy you’d watch over her with me! It is your-….! ».

« No it’s not, Ricky!! » the other interrupted him harshly, his voice echoing loud in the forest, « It is yours and Lucy’s job! Not mine! You chose to have a family with her! You’re the one that decided to become a dad!! I have nothing to do with your family or your daughter and I wanna stay out from places where I don’t belong, that’s it!! Now go the fuck home and leave me alone, I need to think! » he said all in one breath before turning completely silent.

Both of them looked at each other for a second, then Julian turned around and got back on his way…far from his friend, hoping he wouldn’t talk back or chase him like he would usually do.

Ricky looked at him leaving and didn’t even know how to answer, he didn’t understand, everything was so confusing and fast and it all didn’t make sense.

He tried to come up with something quickly but his mind was literally shut, every memory of the past few days spent with him re-emerged out of nowhere and it only made him wanna cry.

« So yer leaving me alone in this? » was all he could come up with, his tone so lower from before he was almost afraid the other wouldn’t hear him.

« I’m not leaving forever, Rick » Julian sighed without turning back to even look at him, slowly walking away further and further, « I just need some time alone, go back home and don’t come look for me again ».

Rick swallowed a hard knot tied in his throat as he felt something stinging at the conrners of his eyes.

« Ya wanna know the truth, Julian?! Uh? » he asked loud enough to be heard from that distance between them.

The other didn’t bother answering, still walking while ignoring him.

« Yer just a-…a fucking pussy! That’s what! » he screamed, « All you do is walk away from your fucking ploberems! You don’t have the fucking balls to talk out loud about what bauthers ya! Ya just walk away and expect all of us to understand! ».

Julian turned around and looked at him with a death stare.

« But we don’t! I don’t! » he kept going, « I don’t fucking understand! Yeah! I have trouble with understanding stuff, Julian, we both fucking know that! But I still wanna fucking help ya, I wanna know what’s bauthering you! And still you never wanna talk to me or to anyone else! How am i supposed to help ya if ya don’t tell me any-….».

« I don’t have to fucking tell you anything, Rick! » he snapped back, « I don’t need your fucking help and I don’t fucking need to talk to anyone! I can perfectly solve my own fucking problems without you! ».

Rick didn’t wanna give up yet, « It’s because of the other night, isn’t it? ».

Julian widened his eyes and shook his head slowly as he pointed one finger at him, « Don’t ya dare…».

« It’s because of what happened…or what I said, uh? » Rick went on.

« Rick, lower your fucking voice I swear-…» the other said while now looking around nervously as if someone in the forest could hear them talking.

« I get it! It’s because of that fucking kiss, isn’t it? Just fucking say it! I just-…».

« Rick!! ».

« Wow! Big fucking deal! I kissed my best friend, everybody! Come make fun at me! » Ricky screamed with arms wide open while looking around, as if someone or something in the forest was actually gonna answer.

Ricky didn’t even realize Julian had ran back to him in a mere second, reducing the distance between them to a few inches, quickly grabbing him by the collar of his shirt with one hand, making him gasp in surprise.

Julian suddenly pulled him close enough for their noses to touch, looking at him straight in the eyes with a stare so fucking deadly it made the other shiver.

« Don’t ya dare bring that thing up ever again… » he hissed low and emotionless between his teeth, « Whatever the fuck happened between us yesterday never fucking happened, Rick. Ya got that? Never. Fucking. Happened. Forget everything I’ve ever said to you last night! ».

Ricky looked at him in the eyes with confusion as he felt his vision getting a little blurry, he felt completely lost and speechless while trying to find an answer in his expression.

« W-What the…f-fuck are you even talking about?... W-what does this even mean? » his voice cracked a little as he spoke, « Why are you even saying this? ».

Julian didn’t answer, he kept his hand clenched harshly to his collar and his cold stare focused on him, as if showing him how angry he was was gonna keep him quiet long enough.

Ricky looked at him like a stranger, as if he suddenly couldn’t recognize the person he had in front of him anymore.

He felt his vision getting blurry and all his emotions exploding inside of him all at once…but he held back, he had to.

« You’ve been pretending all along, didn’t you? » he said slow and sour, « C’mon. Just say it Jules, deep down ya don’t actually like me or my daughter…you hate us, you hate being part of all of this... ».

Julian tightened his grip on his collar as the other spoke but that didn’t stop him, « I should have known from the start, you hate having to think about anyone else other than yourself…..why did you even agree on helping me out in the first place, uh? » his tone was starting to grow again, « What did you even hope to gain from this? What’s the reward? Did Lucy offer you money? How much is she paying you for this, Jules? How much is she fucking paying you?! ».

His eyes were filled with tears but his expression wasn’t even nearly close to sadness, it all felt more like a burning anger and a deep painful sensation of betrayal.

Julian felt the same aching pain in his chest, mostly because he couldn’t even begin to find the words to explain how wrong his friend was, but also because of how everything was so complicated to explain for him and he could barely figure things out…he just needed to think about everything that happened for a while. Alone.

« Shut the fuck up, Rick! » he barked back at him with burning rage in his tone « Shut the fuck up! Ya don’t even know what yer fucking talking about, ya always-…».

« You don’t fucking tell me to shut up, y-ya fucking–… » Ricky squirmed away from the tight grip the other had on his collar as if his bare touch was poisonous, he backed off and accidentally pushed Julian’s arm away, making him drop his glass on the wet ground, « …-Ya fucking selfish prick!! » he ended up screaming at his face.

Julian stood silent and watched his drink spill completely on the ground, the wet dirt beneath the glass absorbing quickly all the liquid.

A long silence followed afterwards in which Rick didn’t even know what he did but before he could even realize Julian had already jumped on him with most of the strength he had.

The two of them both fell straight to the ground, Rick fell flat on his back while Julian got on top of him, his hands locked with his in attempt of apparently strangling him but failing miserably.

Rick felt basically trapped underneath him as the other man used the weight in his legs to keep him pinned to the ground as he tried to lay his hands on him.

It was almost like fighting a fucking animal from the forest, except this one wasn’t as good and as quick as him, Rick looked around and tried to think quickly of a way to escape the scenario.

He ended up simply following his instinct, he suddenly let go of Julian’s hands and quickly grabbed him by his hips, and before the other man could even realize his move, Rick shifted to his right with all the strength he had.

The two rolled down the small cliff, still clinging one to the other, and quickly fell straight into the muddy lake water, splashing everywhere and echoing loud in that silent forest.

Julian was the first to curse loudly as soon as he hit the water’s surface, he hated to death that gross slimy feeling all around his body, the water was also dirty as fuck and he squirmed and looked around in disgust as he realized all his clothes were soaked in that shit.

Ricky was the first that stood up though, panting and shakily standing up while the water reached his knees as if nothing ever happened, he was so used to falling into that shit lake that he barely even bothered worrying for his clothes.

He saw Julian a few inches away from him, still sitting in that shit and looking around in disgust as the water reached to his abdomen.

Ricky started to regret that stupid move, he felt completely insecure at first and didn’t really know what to do but he decided to slowly lend him one hand anyways, « Uhhh, look…just…» he babbled still out of breath, « I-I’m so sorry…fuck…here, I’ll help ya get up from thi-…».

« Rick, i… » Julian said slow and bitter as he looked up on him and grabbed his hand, « I swear…I’ll fucking kill you! » he shouted before harshly pulling him into the water with him again.

Rick fell on top of him and the two of them got into a childish and pathetic physical fight all over again.

If anyone else could see them they wouldn’t even be able to tell whether the two were fighting of playing in the mud.

Ricky himself couldn’t even tell if Julian was actually trying to hit him for real or if he was just, for some weird reason, playing.

He soon found out the man sadly wasn’t joking as soon as he saw him trying to grab him by the neck again.

« W-Wait wait wait, Jules! » he said while trying to squirm away, « L-look I’m fucking sorry, ok?! Just listen to me for a fucking second!! ».

He managed to withdraw just before the other could lay his hands on him, this time the mud helped him by slowing down Julian’s movements by making everything too slippery.

« I’m just trying to fucking help ya!! » he screamed at him, « Why won’t you fucking listen to me?! ».

« ‘Cause I’m fucking tired, Ricky!! » the other screamed back, still gasping in the water while trying to catch him and growing angrier each time he failed « I’m fucking tired of everyone always fucking telling me that i need fucking help! I’m fucking tired of hearing people saying I have problems! I’m fucking tired of **you** , Rick, for seeing me as someone that needs fucking help and support! I don’t fucking need anybody, for fuck’s sake!! ».

Ricky, still dragging himself backwards further away from his friend, got distracted by his words and slipped with one hand on something slimy under the water, accidentally falling flat on his back again.

He tried to get up from the slimy surface but Julian reached him quickly and grabbed him by his wrist, temporarily blocking him from getting away again.

Ricky didn’t know what was gonna happen next, he had no actual clue of Julian’s intentions…

Was he actually gonna hit him? Impossible.

They got into stupid childish fights all the time over the years, one day they even pointed their guns at each other for the most idiotic reason, but they both perfectly knew that none of them had the actual courage to hurt the other.

Rick didn’t give a fuck if they were fighting, if they ended up in a shit lake ang got all their clothes dirty or even if Julian was gonna murder him after this…he wanted to help him.

He didn’t really know what was bothering the other man, what things were making him feel attacked or which distant memories were causing him to act like this, but he needed help, and Rick probably was the only one that knew him better than anyone else to understand…he was the only one he could openly talk to about anything.

By the time Julian raised his fist Rick was supposed to withdraw, cover himself with one arm to avoid getting hurt…but he didn’t.

« Just talk to me, Julian…» he said unexpectedly slow and quiet, almost begging « Please, ya can speak to me…».

Julian stood still, his fist still in the air and his expression slowly changing with mixed feelings.

Rick looked up at him straight in the eyes, « Ya can tell me anything…» he said almost in a whisper, « I swear I won’t tell anyone…just, please Julian….please ».

Julian opened his mouth but nothing came out, his voice felt stuck in his throat.

He wanted to scream something back, he wanted to get up and walk away, lock himself in his trailer and never show up again for a few days, he wanted to act tough, just like everyone thought he was…he had to.

But he was tired. He was tired of pretending for such a long time, tired of always playing the cold one.

He slowly withdrew back a few inches from his friend and silently sat still in the water, his knees pressed against his chest and both hands running down to cover his face.

Rick, still panting, stayed silent and looked at him, waiting for the other to say or do something, for a second he almost feared the other would get up and walk away…but he didn’t.

« No matter what I do… » the other whispered almost inaudibly after a long quiet while, « Ya always seem to find out if I’m hiding something… ».

Ricky kinda felt guilty for starting an entire fight just to find out what his friend was hiding from him but…was he supposed to leave him alone in the forest to think about his life and figuring his problems out all by himself? With no one on his side to help him or to listen to him? Never.

Never in his entire life he was ever gonna leave him behind to face his problems alone, he was gonna stick with him and help him going through anything, no matter how hard or how complicated it was gonna be.

« Ya wanna know the truth, uh? » the other went on, « I don’t give a fuck…I don’t give a complete fuck, I never did and I never will…» he said mumbling more to himself than to his friend.

Rick furrowed his brows, « …A-About what? », he was almost scared to ask.

« About everything, Rick!! » the other suddenly pulled his hands away from his face to slam his fists into the water as he screamed, « Everything! Every single fucking thing that I’ve always spent my entire life on!! Everything is fucking useless a-and pointless and I just-…I just spent my entire life into believing that-…that fucking money a-and cars and all that shit would just fucking make me happy!! » Julian moved one hand over his forehead, mostly to cover his watery eyes.

« I-I just thought that…that finding a job, making tons of stupid fucking money a-and…and even fucking being nice to the others for once, for fuck’s sake…» Julian smiled bitterly through the evident pain in his voice and at how ridiculous and stupid he sounded, «…would have just…just fucking filled that constant fucking emptiness I feel whenever I get back home at the end of every fucking day!! I-I thought that all of this was gonna repay me one day! I thought that…I thought all of this was supposed to fucking make me happy!!...» his voice cracked and he stayed silent for a second, « But it didn’t…it fucking didn’t! ».

Rick was speechless. How come he didn’t know any of this? Why didn’t Julian tell him sooner? He almost wanted to kill him for not telling him before.

« All this time I-I just…I just thought I wasn’t working hard enough to earn certain things, that every fucking thing I tried to accomplish was never fucking good enough…! » this time something really close to a sob escaped his mouth as he spoke, « A-and I kept telling myself I should have worked harder! I-i should have made things better! I thought that the more I’d be useful around the park then the more that would just make me feel better about myself! B-but-…but the truth is…I don’t give a fuck about any of this shit!! I never fucking did, Ricky! ».

Rick knew the other was crying, it was clear as day, and his attempt of covering his face with one hand only made it more obvious…but he didn’t had the courage to stop him, he wanted him to let it all out by himself before.

« I’m not-…» Julian almost had that sentence stuck down his throat as if he couldn’t properly pronounce it, « …I’m not fucking happy, Rick…I’ve never fucking been…Everything is just…everything felt so useless a-and pointless and some days I just…» Julian stopped for a second as a lump in his throat stopped him from talking again, his face still completely hidden behind his hand so he wouldn’t have to look at his best friend while talking.

« …Some days I couldn’t even…f-find the fucking courage to get out of bed…s-some days I just started questioning everything a-and…And i started wondering if I hadn’t just failed at everything in my life…I started asking myself why was I even doing certain things, what was the point of doing what I always did…I started thinking I followed the wrong path in my life and I didn’t had no one else to blame but myself! ».

Rick wanted to stop him from saying such things, he felt like he needed to apologize himself as he always felt like he was also part of the problem.

Everyone around them, especially Lahey, always pointed out that the reason Julian’s life was so miserable was all Ricky’s fault, everyone thought he was a bad influence on him.

Julian himself tried a few times to get away from him and start a new life…make a living without him and for once starting to focus on his own problems…

But he soon found it completely difficult to stay away from the other man, the more he tried to get away and the more he craved his presence in his life.

He ran away from the park once, tried to get a new home and a new “job” with the lobsters business…but the constant thought of Ricky never left his mind, not even for a second.

They simply couldn’t get apart, they just tried their best to ignore the evidence…especially Julian.

« Everyday I just felt worse and worse… » Julian slowly went on after a long while, « Until…».

He nervously looked around and rubbed the back of his head, completely hiding his face from the other man, hoping that staring at the sky or at the distant pines would distract his friend from looking at his expression and noticing how vulnerable he was right now.

« Until…y-you and Trin came along…» he said almost in a whisper, his voice so low and insecure he actually hoped he wouldn’t have to repeat himself again.

Rick felt his hands and legs beginning to shake nervously, flashbacks of all the things that happened the night before flashed through his mind.

All the sweet things they said to each other in bed before going to sleep, the sudden kiss that followed after the first lights of the day showed up through the window, the sleepy conversations and ramblings they had as Julian held Trin in his arms to calm her down while sitting so close next to him.

« Having you and Trinity living with me…felt…» Julian bit his lower lip, he felt so fucking nervous talking about this that he could barely find the words to describe what happened without crying, « it felt…right ».

Rick had been thinking the exact same thing the entire time him and his daughter had moved in with him, but he never had the courage to say it either…there were so many things he also wanted to say.

« At first I thought it was gonna be terrible, a complete and total fuck up…but…» Julian cleared his throat a few times, « But then things changed…I started feeling like I belonged somewhere…i-I felt like I was suddenly truly needed for once…and…fuck » he hissed a curse while massaging the bridge of his nose with his hand.

« …And i told myself to stay strong, to pretend like I didn’t care so I wouldn’t get attached…and I tired! I really tried! Believe me! » the other went on after a long insecure silence, « But…but the more I looked at her and the more…the more i realized I couldn’t live without her…Without all of this! ».

Rick felt his heart completely explode in his chest from how fast and nervously it was beating, « But…» he tried to say after a long moment of only listening, «…W-What about everything you said about…y’know, your idea of family and stuff? ».

Julian suddenly turned his face and looked at him, almost petrifying the other man.

His expression never looked so…real, his eyes were red and watery but never looked that angry before, all the tears filling them almost made it impossible to tell what emotion he was feeling anymore.

« I lied, Ricky » he said before quickly turning away to break that embarrassing eye contact, « I lied about everything…I lied to you, to Bubbles, to the others…even to myself. I just…» Julian slowly passed a hand over his face to wipe the tears and sighed deeply to find the courage to continue, « …I do. I do want a family and I do want to get married! I want all of these things and I’ve always wanted them…all my life, for fuck’s sake…I want it so fucking much it’s painful, Ricky! It’s painful to be so fucking happy when I’m around you and Trin…it’s painful ‘cause I fucking know that one day it’s all gonna end, and you’ll just go back to your fucking ordinary family life while I’ll just…I’ll just…» he couldn’t find the words anymore.

Ricky swallowed a hard knot in his throat, that was the deepest confession he has ever dealt with and he could barely believe all of this was even happening.

« A-and now we’re here because I didn’t even had the balls to tell the truth, because I find it easier to just walk away from problems instead of fucking solving them…» he covered his face with both hands all over again, drowning in guilt.

«…I’m just…a fucking liar a-and it’s all my fucking fault! I-I don’t know why I said all those things before, I swear! A-and i-…fuck, i almost ended up hurting you before! God, I-I’m so sorry I-…» his voice quickly broke into a tormented string of shaky sobs.

Julian started to shake uncontrollably as all his emotions were starting to crumble together, turning him into one big crying mess.

Rick could tell his reaction was something really close to a break down or a panic attack, he had seen a lot like those before.

The other man’s nervous heavy breathing was just about to grow faster and more anxious second by second…but he suddenly froze quiet and still as a statue as he felt the unexpected warm embrace of Ricky’s arms around him, desperately squeezing him into a tight hug.

That was just enough to push him over the edge.

He felt the corners of his eyes sting again as even more tears came out to blur his vision, vividly running down his cheeks again and again as a spontaneous reaction.

He felt paralyzed for a mere second but he didn’t even had to think twice before rapidly hugging him back, his arms never clutched so tightly around someone else’s body, almost as if his entire life depended by that hug.

They stood silent and still, avidly clung to each other without even saying one word, only the muffled sound of Julian sobs against Ricky’s shoulder were enough to fill the cutting quietness of the forest around them.

Ricky slowly petted his back with long gentle strokes along his spine, his fingers reaching to softly caress the nape of his neck as he waited for the other to stop shaking.

« I-I’m sorry…I-I’m so so sorry-… » Julian muttered against the crook of his neck, « I-it’s all my fault, I didn’t-…».

« It’s okay, it’s okay! Everything’s ok » Rick tried for reassure him with a quiet tone, his body still pressed so tightly against his, he had no intention of letting him go ever again after this, « Just breathe…».

The slimy water around them was starting to feel colder and the sky was slowly growing darker and cloudy upon their heads, signaling a possible following rainstorm…and still none of them felt ready to leave yet.

Rick was gonna stay, he was gonna hold him for as long as it would take, even if this experience would have changed things between them and it would have required years to go back to the normal and simple way it used to be, he was gonna stay by his side and support him until he would feel better and comfortable and honest with himself and the people around him.

He stood quiet, still caressing his friend’s back slowly and gently and soon getting relieved from hearing the other man’s breathing pace slowing down.

Julian sighed deeply after a while with his face shyly hidden against his shoulder, he stopped shaking and his sobs slowly dissipated.

« How are you feeling? » Rick asked after a while without breaking the hug, his voice never sounded more reassuring.

Julian nodded slowly, « I’m ok…».

« You sure? Ya want me to…stay a little longer? I-if you want I can-…».

« Don’t worry, i’m fine...».

The two slowly broke the hug and pulled apart from each other, Ricky seemed almost too insecure on letting him go so quickly in the first place but he decided to follow his friend’s directions anyways.

They took a second to just glare at each other.

Julian’s face was all reddened and his eyes still a little watery as he looked at him before embarrassingly breaking eye contact and Ricky simply felt his heart tighten at the sight.

He reached with one diffident hand and carefully wiped away a tear rolling down his cheek with his thumb before quickly pulling his hand away, afraid that the other would withdraw.

The two of them stood still for a moment, both trying to find the right words to express their feelings after everything that had just happened.

Ricky got distracted from the sounds of nature around them for a second, the rustle of pine leaves moving from the sudden heavy wind, the chirping of a few birds echoing distantly, the roaring sound of the approaching thunders in the sky.

« Fuck…» Julian sniffed and cleared his throat a few times. suddenly breaking that imaginary silence.

« I’m…I’m sorry for before…» he awkwardly looked away not to meet Rick’s gaze, suddenly feeling deeply ashamed, « Heh…You must think I’m a real big fucking failure right now…and I wouldn’t blame ya » he muttered while forcing a sour smile.

« Don’t you dare apologize about something like this ever again! » Rick replied quick, « If someone should fucking owe an apology then that should be me! I-I’m the one that pressureded ya into constantly doing the good thing to help me and Trin, I-I forced ya into dedicatating all your time to us instead of letting you also focus on yourself…and I am really really sorry for all that ».

Rick looked around for a second while nervously scratching the back of his head, thinking of the right words to use.

« I should have never made you feel like it was your duty to take care of my daughter only, that was a shit move of me. I want ya to know that it’s completerely ok if ya wanna take some time to think about this whole thing with me and Trin…and maybe, I don’t know, decide to change your mind and choose what would make you feel better » Rick looked back at him with a deeply fond gaze, « Whatever you choose, Julian…I’ll always be by your side to support ya… » he felt his face burning up as he said those last words.

« But i do…» Julian said with such a low tone it was almost inaudible, « I do want to be there for you and Trin, I do wanna help you raise her and everything else…there’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t want more, man…».

Julian suddenly seemed more motivated to speak his mind now that he had shown Rick his true self, « Y-you made me realize that I actually do need all of these things I’ve always kept telling myself I didn’t like…And I need you, both of you…to stay ».

The two men stared at each other for a second, Julian’s face still a little red from the crying and Rick’s cheeks still glowing pink from the embarrassment.

There were so many fucking things Rick wanted to mention in that moment, he wanted to ask why has he been hiding his feelings for so long or why did he lie about not wanting a family…or even why was he ashamed of the kiss they shared the night before.

He acted as if the whole thing that happened between them never really happened…and Rick suspected that his friend was probably terrified by the idea that he could have told someone about it.

Was he afraid of the judgment of other people? Maybe what the others could have said about him? Were they ever gonna talk about it again or were they just gonna keep it as a secret?

« Just…» Julian pinched the bridge of his nose for a second, « Promise me you’re never gonna tell anyone about this, Ricky…please…y’know, about everything that just happened today…».

« I won’t » Rick swore, « I promise, Julian ».

« Thank you, it…» Julian fought with himself to find the right expression, « It means a lot to me, really ».

Ricky was about to reply but suddenly a loud menacing thunder roared upon their heads, almost tearing the sky apart.

The cold and tingly sensation of heavy rain poking their skin quickly followed, arriving noisy and unexpected from above.

The two of them both lifted their heads to stare at the sky, wondering if there couldn’t have been a more perfect timing for the bad weather if not in that moment.

« Ugh! Are you fucking kidding me?! Rain?! » Rick barked at the sky as if it could answer back, « Fuck off, nature! You’re fucked! » he exclaimed as he covered his head with one arm not to get his hair all wet.

How ironic, since him and Julian were both still completely soaking wet and dirty from the muddy lake water and slimy texture they were still sitting in.

Julian was supposed to be twice as disgusted and mad for the rain, in a situation like that one he was the first type of person that would have complained…

But instead he found himself laughing, in a rare genuine way, not like any other way ever before.

He looked at Ricky clumsily trying to get up from the slimy water and failing miserably while still attempting to cover himself with one arm and Julian just couldn’t help but chuckle.

It felt good, pure…natural.

That’s just how things have always been between them, genuine.

Julian thought about all the years he had been hiding his need for affection or something really close to the stable and comfortable warmth of a family.

He felt like shit for only speaking out now to his best friend, he still kinda felt bad for not feeling ready to tell everyone else…but everything takes time, and he sure wasn’t someone that solved things involving emotions quickly.

All this time…pretending he was an emotionless and greedy asshole instead of just showing his true colors and expressing what he truly felt, it sounded insane just by thinking about it…and he was glad he finally let everything out with Ricky.

He was glad he understood, glad he supported him no matter what.

And it just…it felt good to finally be able to be your true self with someone you trusted.

« Here » Julian laughed as he slowly got up, his clothes felt cold and heavy on his skin while still dripping with water, « Get up, man » he smiled as he lend Ricky one hand to help him get up.

Rick, that had already gave up on trying to save his hair or his face from the rain, slowly grabbed his hand and shakily stood up.

« Let’s go home, yeah? » He asked to Julian before another tremendous thunder roared in the sky, almost making him jump.

Julian held back another laugh, for once in his entire life he didn’t give a shit about the mud, the rain, the shit weather in general or even about his “cold bad guy” shell shattered into pieces, he felt happy.

Happy like he had never been before in a very long time.

Ricky stood drowsily by the stove, his eyes closing to rest a few times, enchanted by the rhythmic and relaxing sound of rain tapping against the window before quickly snapping back open as he tiredly watched the water boil in the metal pot in front of him.

He took the small bag of noodles on his left and with one quick move he ripped the package open in half before throwing the whole thing in the water.

He sighed heavily as he watched the noodles beginning to divide from their initial compact form, turning into something that really closely looked like spaghetti but that wasn’t quite like the real thing.

He shook his head, he couldn’t believe that Julian didn’t even happen to have one piece of fucking meat in the whole trailer, it almost seemed like that man fucking lived off of rum and protein bars.

He needed something nourishing, and “noodles” weren’t really his kind of food, but the man sure was starving and anything would have worked for that night.

His eyes switched from looking at the boiling noodles pot to the other small pot next to it where Trin’s milk bottle was still boiling.

« Daddy’s almost done, sweety » he said while turning his face to the kitchen table behind him for a second to look at Trin sitting on her small highchair, playing with a few dinosaur toys while waiting.

Suddenly the sound of Julian coming out of the bathroom cought his attention from the other room, he must have finished showering.

To indeed confirm his assumption Julian did show up in the kitchen after a few minutes, still in his bathrobe and his hair and beard still dripping, and of course, another full glass of rum and coke still in his fucking hand.

Rick gave him a quick adoring glare before bashfully pointing his eyes back to the pot, pretending he didn’t even notice him entering the room.

His presence sure changed the atmosphere in the room, he could feel the reassuring presence of someone he trusted next to him and the warmth and steam his body emanated from the previous shower, it only made everything better.

Something that he never even closely felt when he was with Lucy, they didn’t even live under the same roof nor experienced a normal true “family” moment together, enjoying the basic domestic acts of cooking and taking care of Trin as a proper mom and dad.

He hated it.

« Hello there, princess » Julian greeted Trin while gently caressing her cheek with one finger, she immediately smiled as soon as she saw him, reaching up with both small hands in attempt to grab his face.

God how he missed her…how he missed all of this.

Sure running away from this wasn’t the most logical choice he has ever taken before…but he was glad as hell he was back.

« Took yer time, eh? » Rick said without getting his eyes off the pot, « Dinner’s almost done, but I think I should feed Trin first ».

Julian left the table and slowly reached to stand next to him, the space in the small kitchen was really narrow so it was inevitable their shoulders would touch while standing one next to the other.

« I can take it from here, you go shower » Julian offered while eyeing Trin’s bottle still boiling in the small pot next to theirs, « It’s your turn anyways ».

Rick made the mistake of turning his head to the side to face him and their noses almost touched in the act of looking at each other, he forgot how fucking small that kitchen was.

His face grew red as their eyes met, he quickly broke the eye contact and grabbed a towel before handing it to Julian, « Here, dry yer hair » he laughed softly before slowly making his way out of the kitchen, « I’ll be back in a minute ».

Julian smiled as he watched him leave the room before carelessly rubbing the towel over his head and forehead.

He soon heard the sound water running again from the bathroom in the other room, so he turned to the stove and covered the pot with their dinner with the lid before turning off the gas.

He thanked god multiple times that he, unlike Rick, managed to have a sort of stable place for a kid, with functioning lights, gas and water (even though he still tried to waste as less water as he could).

The food was usually the only sore point for him, his fridge was completely full of rum bottles and occasionally a few protein bars or pre-cooked shit, he’d always manage to eat as soon as he could lay his hands on products to steal at the market.

He’d rather steal food than pay for it, spending money for nourishment was just stupid, it wasn’t as worth as drinking.

He took the milk bottle out of the pot and poured some liquid on his hand to see if it wasn’t too warm or too cold.

« Trin, look what I got for ya » he smiled as he sat at the table across her so they could face each other.

He slowly lend her the bottle, gently pressing the silicone tip of the bottle to her face so she’d grab it with both hands and start drinking.

He stared at her affectionately as she lifted the small plastic bottle with both hands while drinking, her curious blue eyes wandering around the room to study what was surrounding her as she drank.

She was too fucking adorable Julian felt like he could have an heart attack.

He stopped and thought about how his life used to be before he got the chance to spend a few days with her, she really did change everything, almost like a miracle.

So it wasn’t quite wrong what people used to say after all, having kids truly is a blessing.

He had been craving for a parent-child connection, he has always been, but after all these years of insecurities and fears of sounding or looking too weak…he just didn’t feel ready to show that part of himself to the others yet.

To all the others except for Rick.

« Y’know…» Julian said to Trin after a while, «…Your dad truly is a wonderful person, I wish I had one like him too when I was a kid…».

He was talking more to himself than with the baby since she barely paid attention and also because she clearly couldn’t understand a single word.

« He saved my life from the worst…multiple times and in multiple ways » he kept going,

« And he would do literally anything for you and to always make sure you have everything ya need, Trin…because he cares about you…about us ».

Trin looked at him for a brief moment, her eyes so pure and innocent and blue they almost melted him.

« That’s why you should always love him no matter what » He said as he reached out and petted the top of her small head gently, « You mean the world to him, believe me…and…he means the world to us too…».

The voice of Ricky calling him from the other room suddenly caught his attention.

« Julian! Can I borrow a shirt from ya? » his voice echoed from the bedroom.

« Go ahead! » The other responded a little louder, just enough to be heard from the kitchen, « The shirts are piled in the second drawer, don’t mess anything up! ».

« Thank you! ».

He had a certain order for most of his stuff, especially the things in his bedroom…and knowing Ricky, he had all the rights to be worried he might turn all his order into chaos.

He looked at Trin and smiled again, « Hope he doesn’t destroy my room to find a shirt » he said while trying to hold back a laugh.

Trin looked at him smiling and started giggling too as a natural reaction.

Her little cute and joyful giggling hit Julian right in the chest, almost making his heart ache.

He couldn’t help growing more and more attached to her, she brought him a sort of different and life-changing joy he had always been looking for but could never manage to find. He was right after all…all the money in the world could never buy what he was receiving right now.

Ricky suddenly entered the room, wearing one of his black shirts and some sweatpants, his hair still a little wet and a towel lazily hanging from his left shoulder.

Julian looked at him and actually came to realize how huge his shirt looked on his best friend compared to the shirts he would usually wear, it looked adorable but kinda ridiculous at the same time it almost made him laugh.

« Jeez Julian, yer entire closet is full of fucking black shirts and black jackets » was the first thing he commented jokingly as he casually walked towards the stove, « I couldn’t see anything, don’t ya have anything else in…a different color? ».

« Hey! Black looks really fucking nice, alright? » he smiled while turning around on his chair to look at him, « It’s badass…just like in Terminator ».

« I guess it only looks really good on you then » Rick commented while taking the pot with their dinner and walking towards the table to grab a seat, « I sure can’t rock in it the same badass way you do ».

Julian cleared his throat and looked in a different direction to hide his blush as Ricky sat at the table right in front of him, closely next to Trin.

« Jesus fuck i was fucking starving » he said while putting some noodles in his plate before passing the pot to Julian, « What about you, pumpkin? Did you eat? yes? » he said to Trin, his voice suddenly sounding ridiculously high pitched and sugary.

He leaned closer to Trin and gave her a string of small kisses on her puffy cheeks.

Julian observed how Rick was acting completely fine, still carefree and happy with the moment they were living…and he wondered how could he even manage to not be mad at him for treating him like shit earlier that day.

He felt a little guilty, sitting at the table with them and enjoying that reassuring moment of tranquility as they were about to eat…he didn’t deserve all of this.

He didn’t deserve this kindness, and his forgiveness.

« Look man…» Julian said with his eyes lost on his empty plate, not wanting to look anywhere else, « I know you said I shouldn’t say these things because it should be over by now and all that…but still, I’m really sorry for before ».

He lifted his eyes to point them at him, « I’m sorry for running away today…and for wanting to hurt you…I’m really sorry for, y’know…going insane and all that, it was really irresponsible and immature of me and…I’m sorry for causing a few problems ».

Rick looked at him with a reassuring expression, « You know…it’s ok, Julian. I understand what happened and how you might have felt around me or Trin and…sometimes everyone’s gotta let out their emotions, even you. And…I guess you just kept them in for too long and…y’know, it’s not a good thing to keep everything inside forever, I can assure you that ».

Julian felt something warm boil in his stomach, was it fear? Anxiety? Guilt?

He thought about all the things that he still didn’t had the guts to tell him, the things that spontaneously happened between them and that he desperately tried to erase from his life as if doing so would prevent him from getting too attached.

He saw everything as clear as day now, running away from his feelings wasn’t gonna save him from getting attached or falling in love or anything else…there was no way around it, all he could do was just…deal with his emotions and face them.

No more “secretly running away at six in the morning to then never come back” or “trying to choke your best friend after realizing that kissing him felt like it meant way more than just a something “playful” between friends”.

« I just…I’m kinda…afraid » Julian looked down to avoid any eye contact, nervously playing with his fork, « I just don’t understand how can everyone else…be so spontaneous and so carefree all the time, showing their love and how much they care for each other so easily. They make it look so simple…but it’s not. It’s fucking not » Julian cleared his throat, « And then I just realize that maybe it’s just me, maybe there’s just, I don’t know, something wrong in the way I grew up…in the way I’ve always been told that you must not get attached too easily to survive in this world…y’know, how feelings make us weak and all that shit ».

The older man half smiled at himself, realizing how actually pathetic he must’ve sounded in that moment, « And even now, after everything that we told to each other and everything that happened…I still don’t feel ready to talk about anything yet…any of the things that happened, I just…I still don’t feel like facing them yet ».

Rick almost looked shocked by that confession. He had already heard a few things about Julian’s father before, but he couldn’t imagine the kind of fucked up things and wrong ideologies he must’ve forced in his head when he was younger. He felt compassion, and sorry…sorry for not being there sooner, for not being able to protect him.

« A-and it’s completely ok to not feel ready yet! » he rushed to explain, trying his best to comfort him, « These things take time, a-and compariring yourself to the others is just stupid. You just…you don’t have to rush anything, it’s ok to take the time ya need. One step at the time it’s the safest way to slowly deal with your emotions, Jules…so you can learn to accept them, whatever they are, however they make you feel… » he said as he slowly reached with one hand and insecurely put it on top of his bigger one, almost afraid to scare him with his touch.

Julian looked down at his friend’s scarred hand on top of his and felt like he could almost break down into tears all over again, he just couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have a friend that understood him and that always supported him, even after being such an asshole to him and nearly choking him…his mind just kept telling him that Rick was too good for him, that he didn’t deserve him, that he was too worthless for his precious time or his attention…

Emotions were so complicated to deal with, especially if you grew your entire life thinking that what you’ve always been feeling was wrong.

« Thank you, Ricky » Julian looked at him for a moment, his eyes glossy, « Thank you ».

Everything was gonna be fine, he could feel it whenever he felt his friend reassuringly close by his side, soon or late they were gonna sort things out…together.

Almost like a family.

Eventually Julian would have found the courage to truly say what the couple of previous days they had spent together felt like from his point of view, how they completely changed his life and how he spontaneously developed even stronger feelings for that man and his wonderful daughter.

Soon or late.

« Good! And now that the bad things are finally over…» Ricky said while getting the pot back from the table and filling Julian’s plate for him, « …The only thing I wanna hear for the rest of the evening is Julian’s laughter while we talk about some stupid shit we used to do back in middle school as we eat this cheap market dinner together » he smiled, « How does that sound? ».

Julian felt his heart warming up, « It sounds wonderful, buddy ».

They were just about to finally eat when a furious knocking at the trailer’s door interrupted them again, « Oh for fuck’s sake! » Rick barked as he got up and walked towards the door.

For some reason the stoner was expecting Lahey to show up at his door, only an insane psychopath like him would show up after dark, at his trailer, during dinner time, with that tremendous rainstorm outside.

He opened the door and his expression suddenly changed as realized the man in front of him was Bubbles, dripping wet from the rain and shaking for the cold.

« Oh my fuck, Bubs! » he exclaimed as he pulled his friend inside the trailer with them,

« Where the fuck have ya been this whole time, buddy? We were almost starting without you! ».

« It’s been one hell of a day, let me tell you that! » Bubs said ad he removed his wet coat and hung it behind the door, letting out a tired sigh as he left his boots at the entrance not to leave any mud stains on the floor as he walked in, « Do y’all have any fucking idea of how hard is it to gather every single fucking kitty in the park inside one small shed to protect them from a shit rainstorm like this one? It’s insane! ».

« How are they right now? » Rick asked while walking with him towards the kitchen.

« All safe and sound, present at the count of twenty, sheltered under my shed from that shit weather! » he smiled, « The poor fellas didn’t had anywhere else to go! ».

« Bubs s’here » Ricky announced as the two men entered the kitchen, the stoner brought another chair for bubs and added it at the table along with another plate and fork.

« Heya Bubs » Julian greeted while taking another sip from his drink.

« Eheh look at you guys! » Bubs laughed as he sat at the table with them, « The whole family all reunited for dinner in the end ».

« We were gonna start eating without you if you hadn’t shown up sooner » Julian replied by rolling his eyes.

« Jeez, I would have showed up a lot sooner if a “certain someone” today…» he said as he looked at Ricky, pointing at his direction with his thumb, «…Didn’t leave me alone to babysit Trin while going on a quest to find ya! ».

« I’m sorry for today, Bubs » Rick said as he sat at the table next to him, « We had a few problems that needed to be disc-discass…we needed to fucking talk! And I couldn’t bring Trin with me around town, y’know that! That’s why I’m thankfulul that you offered to take care of her while I was gone ».

Bubs rolled his eyes and sighed, « It’s ok Ricky, you know I’d always help ya no matter how fucked the situation might be » he said, « Also ya better thank God that Trinity is an adorable little thing, you know how I usually feel about babies ».

« Yeah, we fucking got it, not as cute as kitties…jeez » Julian facepalmed.

« Fucking damn right! » Bubs said as he looked at Rick filling his plate as well, « No offense, Trinity! I had fun today, feeding you and keepin you in my shed for a few hours, playing with my kitties, but no fucking way I’d do it again » he said to the baby looking at him in confusion.

The three men sat down after that long, stressful, never ending nightmare of a day, and finally being able to talk, laugh and eat together almost seemed like a miracle.

Julian was thankful for having them in his life, thankful for Lucy leaving the park for a short period, giving him the chance of living the heart-warming family life he has always dreamed of but never had the guts to admit he needed.

His trailer, on a rainy night like that one, would have usually been empty, silent…sad.

And now everything just felt…right, like it was always supposed to be.

When he was with Trin and Rick or Bubbles by his side all his insecurities dissipated, he felt like there was more in his life to live for, he felt like he wasn’t alone anymore.

And he just wished that this warm feeling could last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know what u think!  
> Of course I wasn’t planning on making Julian as a heartless monster after all, it was all part of this fanfict plot, no worries :,)


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